I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
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Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
LOOOOOOL