I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
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No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.