5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
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“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Software Development ⛵️
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher