If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
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I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka