Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
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my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart