Polite kitties have good etiquecat
You Might Also Like
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…