Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
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Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?