Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
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me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
The 6 types of sex
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo