Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
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I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg