Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
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Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
I am a gravy boat captain
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?