MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
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[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
men are simple creatures
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
My background check bounced.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”