HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
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Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way