My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
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Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
so much to do
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite