HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
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The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
OH. COME. ON.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
selena gomez
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?