[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
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spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges