TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
You Might Also Like
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!