student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
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Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Nomnomnomnom
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda