*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
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Succinctly put.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are