Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
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I really had high hopes for this year though
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”