I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
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trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open