talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
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Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered