And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
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A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?