I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
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Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.