interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
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The hardest thing Vision has to do
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them