There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
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“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.