Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
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realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him