I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
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If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.