The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
You Might Also Like
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option