People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
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All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down