Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
You Might Also Like
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
an airline just for babies.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave