If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
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[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
my favorite genre of twitter
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.