Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
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As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Buying a well is money well spent.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants