Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
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What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*