I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
You Might Also Like
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest