My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
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Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Writing, She Murdered.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.