Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
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[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
This is my bus stop.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Perfect
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*