overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
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Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Smooooooth
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”