Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
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Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.