I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
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GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
*seductively corrects your posture*
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…