Jail
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Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*