So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
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CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.