WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
You Might Also Like
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Mornin
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious