When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
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[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.