“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
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When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6: