“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
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#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.