“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
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Cauliflower has a good publicist.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
The 6 types of sex
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
My patronus is a cheeseburger
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
“OMGJK” -atheists
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.