waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
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Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Once again not all heroes wear capes
I’m not average. I’m mean.