“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
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I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
San Francisco has too many rules
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
iPhone X
I will never stop laughing at this
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.