I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
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I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad