ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
You Might Also Like
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
You got this…
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
“A little help here, Danny?”